I've spent the evening working on a piece I've been trying to nail down for awhile. Every so often, I'll be chatting with a writer somewhere (anywhere), and I'll receive this tidbit of advice:
"Well, kidAmy, at some point, you have to ask yourself if you want to be a serious writer or if you want to live your life doing... I'm sorry, what the hell do you do for a living again*?"
This is often said by a member of the opposite sex - somewhat condescendingly - who is trying to dole out advice**. The condescension is my own fault, actually; I've often put on the costume of the beginner in an effort to chat up male writers I think I might want to marry*** someday.
"Oh, I would so love to write, how do you do it? My little brain couldn't handle the big ideas you come up with!" Shortly thereafter, I excuse myself to the washroom, where I punch myself in the face and then bitch about him on twitter. Being a fragile woman is hard.
At any rate, I was at work recently when I realized that maybe I didn't want to do this for the rest of my life. I believe someone was staring me in the face, waiting for me to answer a question as to why I hadn't completed their job that day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not handing in my resignation tomorrow (I really quite like my job), but I have resolved to complete the first draft of this novel in the next half year****.
This big decision was confirmed when I found myself giggling out loud at several Dilbert comics in a row*****.
*It's something vaguely paperworkish. With a cubicle, and friendly coworkers, and dickhead coworkers.
**And my decision to keep a roof over my head and food in the fridge is a decidedly unimpressive route.
***Sleep with.
****Lawrence Block bangs them out in four weeks, the hardworking, totally deserving bastard.
*****They're just like us! With his dog in the office, and his tie that never lays flat. Oh, that's our Dilbert. (I'm typing this, but my eyelids are saying "kill me" in morse.)
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
Today is Charlie Brooker's Birthday.
I really cannot stress how huge an influence Charlie Brooker is for me. Yes, a lot of his fiction is a little reminiscent of years gone by (Steve Allen and Harlan Ellison, to name only two), but that's why I love him.
I realized the other night that overall, I'm really not impressed with contemporary science fiction. Far too much of it is in the space soap opera/space cowboy vein (eff you very much, Roddenberry). I dislike those in their purest forms (exceptions include anything involving Steve McQueen or Alan Ladd), why the heck would I want to watch it on a spaceship?
My favourite form or era of science fiction was creepy, harrowing, even (It's a cookbook! We're headed to that planet third from the sun! Be sure to give the little ones pebbles they can throw, too! The key to the future is removing words from the language, not adding more, silly! And so on,
until my stomach hurts). Even in it's simplest forms, it's asking difficult questions, turning a mirror on society in ways other art and writing fails to do, despite best efforts.
When I see the faces of everyone gathered in the pub to watch the prime minister star alongside a pig, or we see the little girl taking a cupcake up to the boyfriend-bot in the attic, I really feel like there's classic, harrowing science-fiction at work. And the episode titled White Bear, well, that's just phenomenal.
I first encountered him on 10 O'Clock Live, which I'd started watching because of David Mitchell (and Jimmy Carr, who is always fun). I was floored; I liked Mitchell's political rants and really thought someone couldn't get much more acerbic than that. Unfortunately, the show was a little uneven, and awkward at times (the fact that it was aired live may have contributed). IMDB indicates the show is still going, but nothing new has aired in 2014.
As with a number of people I admire, I think what I like most about him is his tireless work ethic. I swear the man's never been out of work. I just hope other writers find him as inspiring. I hope we get lots more out of him.
(I couldn't work it in, but while reading a little more about him this evening, I learned him and his wife have had their second child just a couple of days ago, so that's lovely.)
I realized the other night that overall, I'm really not impressed with contemporary science fiction. Far too much of it is in the space soap opera/space cowboy vein (eff you very much, Roddenberry). I dislike those in their purest forms (exceptions include anything involving Steve McQueen or Alan Ladd), why the heck would I want to watch it on a spaceship?
My favourite form or era of science fiction was creepy, harrowing, even (It's a cookbook! We're headed to that planet third from the sun! Be sure to give the little ones pebbles they can throw, too! The key to the future is removing words from the language, not adding more, silly! And so on,
until my stomach hurts). Even in it's simplest forms, it's asking difficult questions, turning a mirror on society in ways other art and writing fails to do, despite best efforts.
When I see the faces of everyone gathered in the pub to watch the prime minister star alongside a pig, or we see the little girl taking a cupcake up to the boyfriend-bot in the attic, I really feel like there's classic, harrowing science-fiction at work. And the episode titled White Bear, well, that's just phenomenal.
I first encountered him on 10 O'Clock Live, which I'd started watching because of David Mitchell (and Jimmy Carr, who is always fun). I was floored; I liked Mitchell's political rants and really thought someone couldn't get much more acerbic than that. Unfortunately, the show was a little uneven, and awkward at times (the fact that it was aired live may have contributed). IMDB indicates the show is still going, but nothing new has aired in 2014.
As with a number of people I admire, I think what I like most about him is his tireless work ethic. I swear the man's never been out of work. I just hope other writers find him as inspiring. I hope we get lots more out of him.
(I couldn't work it in, but while reading a little more about him this evening, I learned him and his wife have had their second child just a couple of days ago, so that's lovely.)
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
It's a sad evening
It's a sad evening when you're watching your phone, hoping for a message from a man, and receiving an email from the previous one that brings you to tears.
For some mysterious reason, this new one hasn't hugged me yet, and the last one has written to comment how great I am at hugs. I almost feel like, if I do get a hug from the new one, I'll be sniffing around for table scraps of love. I want to give him a final chance, but I don't really know what to make of the situation.
As for the last guy, I don't want to be with him, but I guess it still hurts more than I wanted to admit. He was gentle, kind, and a great hugger. He was also flaky and frustrating.
Why is this all so fucking hard for me?
For some mysterious reason, this new one hasn't hugged me yet, and the last one has written to comment how great I am at hugs. I almost feel like, if I do get a hug from the new one, I'll be sniffing around for table scraps of love. I want to give him a final chance, but I don't really know what to make of the situation.
As for the last guy, I don't want to be with him, but I guess it still hurts more than I wanted to admit. He was gentle, kind, and a great hugger. He was also flaky and frustrating.
Why is this all so fucking hard for me?
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
"A friend of mine grows his very own brambles..."
When I'm really interested in someone, I go through this terrible phase. In a strange way, I shed my skin. On this skin are all of my hobbies and personality traits that I subconsciously don't feel are helping me impress this particular gentleman at hand. What ends up being left is an overly agreeable piece of marzipan molded into what was once a vibrant cynic.
The shelf life of marzipan is great, for a food. As a human...it doesn't really work. At some point, I start to develop mass quantities of resentment.
When I split with someone, I often tell myself I enjoy being single. While I do enjoy singledom*, there's really no reason for me to stop enjoying myself within a relationship. Basically, the above is all bullshit, and it's bullshit I create for myself. This needs to stop.
I had a rather emotional breakup last month. I didn't include the relationship or the breakup in the blog for various reasons**. I'm realizing that what I've been doing is clearly not working. I've had this strange feeling after the end of the last two serious relationships that I was somehow getting closer to what I wanted, the relationship that I really need***.
I must admit my concern for the way things have been going is completely inspired by a recent...acquaintance. I only met him the other night. He's smart and very funny. I don't know what he'll be to me, if anything, but - at the moment - I hope he doesn't want to be friends. I'll end this here, see footnote 2 for reasoning.
*which is almost completely attributed to living alone (pants optional).
**reasons included, but not limited to: risk of jinxing myself, risk of him discovering the blog, previous partners reading while shaking their heads and feeling superior to me (although, I guess if it makes them happy...)
***reread that sentence, but swap out the last two "I"s for "Gotham". Use a growly voice.
 |
| Creepy marzipan. That's me on the left, without the penis. |
When I split with someone, I often tell myself I enjoy being single. While I do enjoy singledom*, there's really no reason for me to stop enjoying myself within a relationship. Basically, the above is all bullshit, and it's bullshit I create for myself. This needs to stop.
I had a rather emotional breakup last month. I didn't include the relationship or the breakup in the blog for various reasons**. I'm realizing that what I've been doing is clearly not working. I've had this strange feeling after the end of the last two serious relationships that I was somehow getting closer to what I wanted, the relationship that I really need***.
I must admit my concern for the way things have been going is completely inspired by a recent...acquaintance. I only met him the other night. He's smart and very funny. I don't know what he'll be to me, if anything, but - at the moment - I hope he doesn't want to be friends. I'll end this here, see footnote 2 for reasoning.
*which is almost completely attributed to living alone (pants optional).
**reasons included, but not limited to: risk of jinxing myself, risk of him discovering the blog, previous partners reading while shaking their heads and feeling superior to me (although, I guess if it makes them happy...)
***reread that sentence, but swap out the last two "I"s for "Gotham". Use a growly voice.
Elbow's Some Riot
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Online dating is weird, man.
"I don't envy you."
"I don't know what I'd do if I were single again."
*leaning forward with polite interest, and pity in her eyes*
"Isn't it kind of scary? I mean, I know the stigma's gone, but still?"
The less said about online dating, the better. So... here's a whole post about it!
Before anyone comments that I'm picky, I think most of this is about some form of social graces. While the below is clearly my opinion on what is and isn't acceptable, things like manners don't fly out the window simply because you're online.
One small pet peeve that I have, and I wouldn't be surprised if I was the only one, is when people refer to themselves as nerds. Having interests is a good thing, period. Bragging about being a nerd, even if true, strikes me as incredibly pointless. Since becoming a badge of honour, everyone calls themselves nerds and the word has no meaning. If you're on a dating site, and you have interests, that's good, I'd love to hear about those interests. If you brag about being a nerd, I might not want to hear about them.
In some ways, I'm really grateful I'm a woman. I think men have a harder time on dating sites. I don't even really have to reach out to anyone (although I do), I can just wait and they'll message me. For this paragraph, I'm speaking of men who are not douchebags (who will be covered later in the post), I'm talking about genuine, nice fellas, who are really just looking for a date*. When they first join, these poor buggers come online, and they take a look at who's around, and then write a really nice email. Sometimes, the email is epic, frightfully long, commenting on a tonne of . And they never hear back. I've responded to some of these guys, and it doesn't end very well. About halfway through the coffee date, there's a voice in my head saying "run, bitch, run!". If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: if someone is socially awkward in an email, there's not much of a chance meeting in person is going to improve that**. I'm not saying these men are lower than me, or scum of the earth, I'm simply pointing out that these guys are never a match for me, no matter how much we have in common on paper. I think a number of these guys aren't a match for anyone, yet, but they'll get better at it over time.
The guys you want to hear from are the ones who say a simple hello, comment on something in your profile**, and then just say it would be nice to hear back. I picture these guys maybe writing 3 or 4 of these, and then carrying on with their lives. Unlike the previously mentioned fella, who I picture agonizing over each word ("have I used the word 'interesting' too much?"). Also, if I do chat with them over the phone (text or actual conversation), there is often the slightest gap in between conversations, because they're busy doing something else. Having a life is pretty sexy at times.
The last category of gentleman is the douchebag. I'm sure there are a couple of men out there I've incorrectly mislabeled as this, but then maybe they should stop acting like douchebags. These guys are the entire reason a good number of women are labeled as "responds selectively" or "responds extremely selectively." These guys will send a message that reads simply "hey u****", or the ever simple "sex?" My personal favourite was:
"I go to <local university>. I think you're a milf, are you up for a friends with benefits type affair?*****"
Dating is difficult, no matter how you're going about it. Even if you calculate things carefully, at some point, you're going to have to come out from behind the computer and talk to a person. I have such a hard time with people who don't understand this.
*no matter how clueless or misguided they may seem at times.
**the same cannot be said for texting, however. I've met a number of people who were shit at texting, because they just didn't like texting. When you write an email, you have time to properly form sentences and restrain what you're saying. If you really don't have time to write a proper email, then maybe you don't have time for a dating site.
***"I've noticed you've mentioned a passion for highlighting all the moments in Harry Potter that hint to Dumbledore's sexual leanings. I also enjoy this!"
****did not capitalizing or typing out the y or the o really save you a tonne of time there, champ?
*****MILF? Fuck you and fuck your university, you little shit.
"I don't know what I'd do if I were single again."
*leaning forward with polite interest, and pity in her eyes*
"Isn't it kind of scary? I mean, I know the stigma's gone, but still?"
The less said about online dating, the better. So... here's a whole post about it!
Before anyone comments that I'm picky, I think most of this is about some form of social graces. While the below is clearly my opinion on what is and isn't acceptable, things like manners don't fly out the window simply because you're online.
One small pet peeve that I have, and I wouldn't be surprised if I was the only one, is when people refer to themselves as nerds. Having interests is a good thing, period. Bragging about being a nerd, even if true, strikes me as incredibly pointless. Since becoming a badge of honour, everyone calls themselves nerds and the word has no meaning. If you're on a dating site, and you have interests, that's good, I'd love to hear about those interests. If you brag about being a nerd, I might not want to hear about them.
 |
| Pictured: Someone I wouldn't say no to, given the right circumstances... ugh, fuck your caption. |
In some ways, I'm really grateful I'm a woman. I think men have a harder time on dating sites. I don't even really have to reach out to anyone (although I do), I can just wait and they'll message me. For this paragraph, I'm speaking of men who are not douchebags (who will be covered later in the post), I'm talking about genuine, nice fellas, who are really just looking for a date*. When they first join, these poor buggers come online, and they take a look at who's around, and then write a really nice email. Sometimes, the email is epic, frightfully long, commenting on a tonne of . And they never hear back. I've responded to some of these guys, and it doesn't end very well. About halfway through the coffee date, there's a voice in my head saying "run, bitch, run!". If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: if someone is socially awkward in an email, there's not much of a chance meeting in person is going to improve that**. I'm not saying these men are lower than me, or scum of the earth, I'm simply pointing out that these guys are never a match for me, no matter how much we have in common on paper. I think a number of these guys aren't a match for anyone, yet, but they'll get better at it over time.
The guys you want to hear from are the ones who say a simple hello, comment on something in your profile**, and then just say it would be nice to hear back. I picture these guys maybe writing 3 or 4 of these, and then carrying on with their lives. Unlike the previously mentioned fella, who I picture agonizing over each word ("have I used the word 'interesting' too much?"). Also, if I do chat with them over the phone (text or actual conversation), there is often the slightest gap in between conversations, because they're busy doing something else. Having a life is pretty sexy at times.
The last category of gentleman is the douchebag. I'm sure there are a couple of men out there I've incorrectly mislabeled as this, but then maybe they should stop acting like douchebags. These guys are the entire reason a good number of women are labeled as "responds selectively" or "responds extremely selectively." These guys will send a message that reads simply "hey u****", or the ever simple "sex?" My personal favourite was:
"I go to <local university>. I think you're a milf, are you up for a friends with benefits type affair?*****"
Dating is difficult, no matter how you're going about it. Even if you calculate things carefully, at some point, you're going to have to come out from behind the computer and talk to a person. I have such a hard time with people who don't understand this.
*no matter how clueless or misguided they may seem at times.
**the same cannot be said for texting, however. I've met a number of people who were shit at texting, because they just didn't like texting. When you write an email, you have time to properly form sentences and restrain what you're saying. If you really don't have time to write a proper email, then maybe you don't have time for a dating site.
***"I've noticed you've mentioned a passion for highlighting all the moments in Harry Potter that hint to Dumbledore's sexual leanings. I also enjoy this!"
****did not capitalizing or typing out the y or the o really save you a tonne of time there, champ?
*****MILF? Fuck you and fuck your university, you little shit.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Identity Crisis 2: Art Journal Blogger
I know I originally said I would be Makeup Blogging, but yesterday was my first real attempt at an art journal spread, so I'm going to share that with you today.
There are a number of great art journal tutorials on youtube, but I'm really not equipped for video making, so I'm doing it in my blog instead.
Step 1:
Glue two pages together using Mod Podge. Regret it almost immediately when the product wastes no time telling you that it likes to make paper wrinkle faster than a botox commercial before pic. (Wait, is this a thing? Maybe... "it wrinkles faster than a prom dress on the floor of a limo". Oh, yeah, that one.)
Step 2:
Get really sad, because if you had gesso, you wouldn't have to pretend the wrinkling was a happy accident. Remember you had gesso in your last apartment. (Did you see the size of that jug in that video? Is she fucking drinking it? Seriously, though, it's a great video. She explains it really well.)
Step 3:
Put everything on hold while you look for your gesso. Waste 20 minutes putting up posters and finding gesso.
Step 4: dump what is clearly way too much product on your pages. Panic and rush to spread it around before it dies.
Step 5:
Tear up and stick on a bunch of tissue paper. Slap more gesso on top of it.
Step 6:
Very lightly slap a bunch of blue paint across it. Realize the bumpyness is kinda fun. Decide the simplest design is probably the best. Cut out two tissue paper tulips.
Step 7:
Give them stems and leaves.
Step 8:
Slap on a pithy, cathartic, or inspirational message in the center, using stamps. Something along the lines of "dance like no one's watching", or "you're not my real dad," or the ever popular, "it's my body and I'll share my hepatitis with whomever I want."
Step 9:
Notice that stamps are a gigantic pain in the ass while using them, and realize it will be 10 times worse when cleaning up.
Step 10:
Lean back and enjoy your creation. Here comes the grand reveal...
This was great fun, and I'll be keeping it up.
For examples on youtube:
Vicky Papaioannou
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOihCLI8Y7A
Leslie Herger (lots of general art instruction there, too.)
http://www.youtube.com/user/comfortableshoesstud?feature=watch
There are so many great videos on youtube, you can just keep clicking and finding awesome stuff.
There are a number of great art journal tutorials on youtube, but I'm really not equipped for video making, so I'm doing it in my blog instead.
Step 1:
Glue two pages together using Mod Podge. Regret it almost immediately when the product wastes no time telling you that it likes to make paper wrinkle faster than a botox commercial before pic. (Wait, is this a thing? Maybe... "it wrinkles faster than a prom dress on the floor of a limo". Oh, yeah, that one.)
Step 2:
Get really sad, because if you had gesso, you wouldn't have to pretend the wrinkling was a happy accident. Remember you had gesso in your last apartment. (Did you see the size of that jug in that video? Is she fucking drinking it? Seriously, though, it's a great video. She explains it really well.)
Step 3:
Put everything on hold while you look for your gesso. Waste 20 minutes putting up posters and finding gesso.
 | ||
| Step 3a: realize you're clinging to your youth. Pour yourself some wine. |
Step 4: dump what is clearly way too much product on your pages. Panic and rush to spread it around before it dies.
 |
| Rash decisions and poor planning are at the heart of many art projects. |
Tear up and stick on a bunch of tissue paper. Slap more gesso on top of it.
 |
| "Please...kill...me..." |
Step 6:
Very lightly slap a bunch of blue paint across it. Realize the bumpyness is kinda fun. Decide the simplest design is probably the best. Cut out two tissue paper tulips.
 |
| This should have been a close-up, sorry |
Give them stems and leaves.
Step 8:
Slap on a pithy, cathartic, or inspirational message in the center, using stamps. Something along the lines of "dance like no one's watching", or "you're not my real dad," or the ever popular, "it's my body and I'll share my hepatitis with whomever I want."
Step 9:
Notice that stamps are a gigantic pain in the ass while using them, and realize it will be 10 times worse when cleaning up.
Step 10:
Lean back and enjoy your creation. Here comes the grand reveal...
 |
| Sponsored, epileptic fit. |
For examples on youtube:
Vicky Papaioannou
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOihCLI8Y7A
Christy Sobolewskihttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ch2utBjCJzc
Leslie Herger (lots of general art instruction there, too.)
http://www.youtube.com/user/comfortableshoesstud?feature=watch
There are so many great videos on youtube, you can just keep clicking and finding awesome stuff.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Identity Crisis 1: Food Blogger - Refried Bean Quesadillas
My most recent endeavour has been to pull my finances back on track, with the help of Gail Vaz-Oxlade (http://mymoneymychoices.com/). As such, I've had to take a hard look at where my money has been going, and did a thorough spending analysis. I've been spending a ridiculous amount of money on take-out food, and I need to scale it back. So, I'm trying to learn how to cook, with all the hits and misses. Here's last night's attempt.
Refried Bean Quesadilla
Step 1: Get your tortillas ready on a cookie sheet. I'm making two so I'll have enough for tomorrow's lunch**. Spread a generous layer of refried beans on one side of each tortilla.
Step 2: Furrow brow and feel doubt. Make sure the can doesn't say "Purina" on it.
Step 3: Feel sad that you've only found cheddar cheese and you don't have mozzarella***. Pile on an embarrassing amount.
Step 4: Throw out the green pepper, because you're only one person in an apartment, and it's gone bad anyway.
Step 5: Sprinkle a small amount of taco seasoning over the cheese.
Step 6: Marvel at the fact that your tomato hasn't gone bad. Cut it up and throw it on there. It'll look something like this:
Step 7: Fold over the naked side of the tortilla to create half moons. Pop into the oven at 350 degrees for approximately 8-10 minutes.
Step 8: Look at the packet of taco seasoning, and notice that you - the wimp with the palate of an 80 year old Englishman - have purchased the packet marked "Hot & Spicy."
Step 9: While waiting, make yourself one of these! It's what's you've been looking forward to all day anyway:
Step 9a: Ignore the fact that the spend analysis you've completed showed you had spent 10 times on booze what you do on books***, and drink it. To make:
Step 11: Enjoy it, because it turned out pretty good. The only small change I would make is to add a little more taco seasoning than I did.
You may have noticed that I've not put any measurements in the above. This is for three reasons:
Reason 1: We're all adults. You know how much cheese and spice you can handle.
Reason 2: This may come as a surprise: I'm not a food blogger.
Reason 3:
Stay tuned over the next few weeks for "Identity Crisis 2:Makeup Blogger. Art Journal Blogger"
*Thinking about it now, I might make a really simple post on those, they're so easy and so tasty.
**Breakfast, let's face it. Don't judge me.
***Or monterey jack. But you're single, so you never buy it anyway.
****What have I become, my sweetest friend?
Refried Bean Quesadilla
- Large soft tortilla shells
- Cheese
- Diced tomato
- Diced green pepper
- Taco seasoning
- 1 can refried beans
Step 1: Get your tortillas ready on a cookie sheet. I'm making two so I'll have enough for tomorrow's lunch**. Spread a generous layer of refried beans on one side of each tortilla.
 |
| This is fine. You have frozen pizzas if this doesn't turn out. |
Step 2: Furrow brow and feel doubt. Make sure the can doesn't say "Purina" on it.
Step 3: Feel sad that you've only found cheddar cheese and you don't have mozzarella***. Pile on an embarrassing amount.
 |
| Enough to cause a traffic jam in uranus. |
Step 4: Throw out the green pepper, because you're only one person in an apartment, and it's gone bad anyway.
Step 5: Sprinkle a small amount of taco seasoning over the cheese.
Step 6: Marvel at the fact that your tomato hasn't gone bad. Cut it up and throw it on there. It'll look something like this:
Step 7: Fold over the naked side of the tortilla to create half moons. Pop into the oven at 350 degrees for approximately 8-10 minutes.
Step 8: Look at the packet of taco seasoning, and notice that you - the wimp with the palate of an 80 year old Englishman - have purchased the packet marked "Hot & Spicy."
 |
| Now you have no idea what the traffic is going to be like in uranus tonight. |
Step 9a: Ignore the fact that the spend analysis you've completed showed you had spent 10 times on booze what you do on books***, and drink it. To make:
- 1 part amaretto
- 2-3 parts lemonade
Step 11: Enjoy it, because it turned out pretty good. The only small change I would make is to add a little more taco seasoning than I did.
You may have noticed that I've not put any measurements in the above. This is for three reasons:
Reason 1: We're all adults. You know how much cheese and spice you can handle.
Reason 2: This may come as a surprise: I'm not a food blogger.
Reason 3:
Stay tuned over the next few weeks for "Identity Crisis 2:
*Thinking about it now, I might make a really simple post on those, they're so easy and so tasty.
**Breakfast, let's face it. Don't judge me.
***Or monterey jack. But you're single, so you never buy it anyway.
****What have I become, my sweetest friend?
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