Thursday, January 3, 2013

So this is the new year...

This was the worst holiday season I've experienced in a long time.  I had forced myself to be in a fantastic Christmas mood, packages delightfully wrapped and ready to go, suitcase packed.  Turns out the lovely mood was a really thin veneer I'd layered over a casserole of resentment and depression (what an awful sentence, I apologize).  At any rate, my good mood shattered on Christmas night when I was pelted in the face and gut with firework shrapnel.  The good mood, or anything resembling a good mood, has been gone ever since.

I don't think I've ever felt more classless than when that happened.

The piece to my face hit me three inches from my eye.  Close call.  I'm not telling this story very well, but basically, I was surrounded by family and I only heard one feeble "Amy, are you okay?" as I ran back into the house.

I cried myself to sleep that night.  There's also a distinct lack of communication within my family in terms of scheduling, but there seems to be a trend of letting me know of changes at the last minute.  Why would I need to know of any changes?  I don't have to consult a partner on what his plans are, so I can just suck it up and adjust my schedule accordingly.  Of course, this feeling makes my sadness about being alone in this world flourish like there's no tomorrow, even though I know I'm in no place to meet anyone at the moment.  Not that I'm in any shape to meet anyone.

I'm in a fog right now.  On Monday, I spoke with almost no one about my holidays, which was quite difficult.  I'm numb to most of what's going on, my reaction time with anything seems delayed.  The past month or so, I've been great at faking well-being, but I can't even do that anymore.  At times, looking at this blog, doubt creeps in.  I feel sometimes that I'm just blowing my feelings out of proportion and I'm fine and I just need to be happy.  C'mon, be happy.  Earlier this year, I'd have thrown myself headfirst into my work, but there has been a change there that has me upset as well, so that's not feeling like an option at the moment either.  Writing this entry is quite difficult, and I'm sorry if it's horribly written, but I've been doubting the existence of followers anyway. 

That reminds me.  Earlier this week, I was thinking that I needed to jump things in some way.  Wouldn't it be great to take a course and meet new people?  I took a look at the courses at the local college and was like, hey, writing could be great.  At the local college, all the writing courses are online, no class time at all. Hey, college, if I wanted to sit in front of my computer and write, I could do that without dropping $200 on a course.   I'm sure there's something around I could take.  Someone suggested cooking classes, which would be a great idea, but I'm hoping for something that runs for several weeks, so that I can get comfortable and actually get to know some of my classmates.  Art feels out of the question oddly enough; I'm incredibly self-conscious about art right now.

I just don't know. I need to hop in the shower and get ready for work now.

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