Magnesium

Just yesterday, I was grouching and grumping to a friend about how awful things I've been feeling lately, and he told me that he has a friend who swears by magnesium, and then sent me this link:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201106/magnesium-and-the-brain-the-original-chill-pill

Now, I always tend to err on the skeptic side of things and I know that health claims are difficult to nail down, especially if it's a vitamin or natural remedy* (eff you, Dr. Oz - throwing your weight behind anything that comes along, sucking up every dime that isn't nailed down).  This attitude has - sadly - blocked me from trying any supplements that may have helped me, even in the short run as placebos.  Quite frankly, though, it's out of hand.  Vitamins and minerals are good for you, especially if your diet is leaving gaps in your nutrition (more than likely, in my case).  Plus, within the fourth paragraph down, I read this:

Magnesium is an old home remedy for all that ails you, including "anxiety, apathy, depression, headaches, insecurity, irritability, restlessness, talkativeness, and sulkiness." 

I had to re-read it.  I have all of those on a regular basis**, and you're telling me this might not be a horrible flaw in my personality, it might be a magnesium deficiency?

I chatted with my sister in law about it, and we got to talking about 'detox***' baths, which have epsom salts mixed with a number of other things (eucalyptus, ginger, mustard, tasty things).  She also mentioned that a number of the mom's that she knows (she's very active in mommy circles in her town) take Omega-3 pills to avoid postpartum depression and continue to take it thereafter. She offered me some Omega-3 pills to try, and I took a couple.  Well, wouldn't you know it, 20 minutes later, I had the worst sushi burps I've had in a long time!  And this was without the added bonus of actually enjoying sushi!

At any rate, I went to cost-co and bought some magnesium on the way home.  Reading up on it more now, it would seem that I grabbed the wrong one (it needs to be coupled with something else so my body can really absorb it), but I took some anyways.  I'm going to head out and grab the one I should be taking soon and we'll see what happens.


* eff you, Dr. Oz - throwing your weight behind anything that comes along, sucking up every dime that isn't nailed down.
**as an aside, the talkativeness has resulted in another issue that will be discussed in a slightly later blog post.
***the word 'detox' sets me off, too.

Here's some other crap about magnesium I've been reading:

http://george-eby-research.com/html/depression-anxiety.html
http://nutritionalmagnesium.org/health/frequently-asked-questions.html
http://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2008/03/30/how-much-magnes/

So this is the new year...

This was the worst holiday season I've experienced in a long time.  I had forced myself to be in a fantastic Christmas mood, packages delightfully wrapped and ready to go, suitcase packed.  Turns out the lovely mood was a really thin veneer I'd layered over a casserole of resentment and depression (what an awful sentence, I apologize).  At any rate, my good mood shattered on Christmas night when I was pelted in the face and gut with firework shrapnel.  The good mood, or anything resembling a good mood, has been gone ever since.

I don't think I've ever felt more classless than when that happened.

The piece to my face hit me three inches from my eye.  Close call.  I'm not telling this story very well, but basically, I was surrounded by family and I only heard one feeble "Amy, are you okay?" as I ran back into the house.

I cried myself to sleep that night.  There's also a distinct lack of communication within my family in terms of scheduling, but there seems to be a trend of letting me know of changes at the last minute.  Why would I need to know of any changes?  I don't have to consult a partner on what his plans are, so I can just suck it up and adjust my schedule accordingly.  Of course, this feeling makes my sadness about being alone in this world flourish like there's no tomorrow, even though I know I'm in no place to meet anyone at the moment.  Not that I'm in any shape to meet anyone.

I'm in a fog right now.  On Monday, I spoke with almost no one about my holidays, which was quite difficult.  I'm numb to most of what's going on, my reaction time with anything seems delayed.  The past month or so, I've been great at faking well-being, but I can't even do that anymore.  At times, looking at this blog, doubt creeps in.  I feel sometimes that I'm just blowing my feelings out of proportion and I'm fine and I just need to be happy.  C'mon, be happy.  Earlier this year, I'd have thrown myself headfirst into my work, but there has been a change there that has me upset as well, so that's not feeling like an option at the moment either.  Writing this entry is quite difficult, and I'm sorry if it's horribly written, but I've been doubting the existence of followers anyway. 

That reminds me.  Earlier this week, I was thinking that I needed to jump things in some way.  Wouldn't it be great to take a course and meet new people?  I took a look at the courses at the local college and was like, hey, writing could be great.  At the local college, all the writing courses are online, no class time at all. Hey, college, if I wanted to sit in front of my computer and write, I could do that without dropping $200 on a course.   I'm sure there's something around I could take.  Someone suggested cooking classes, which would be a great idea, but I'm hoping for something that runs for several weeks, so that I can get comfortable and actually get to know some of my classmates.  Art feels out of the question oddly enough; I'm incredibly self-conscious about art right now.

I just don't know. I need to hop in the shower and get ready for work now.

Post-apocalyptic dating

I'm feeling both lonely and pulled in a million and In the dating world, nothing seems to be going my way.  I admit, I do have a little bit of an idea of what I want; I guess some might call it a list.  I don't like to call it a list, because they're actually quite broad requirements.  Some of these include:

- Please have a job.  Not just any job.  Please have a job that places you on the path towards the kind of work you're passionate about.
- Please have a hobby.  It doesn't have to be an incredibly involved hobby, if you're a voracious reader, that works for me.  In fact, if you're incredibly passionate about your hobby, your job will be less important to me.
- Please practice good personal hygiene.  I cannot stress this one enough, there's really no wiggle room here.
- Engineers, men working towards their doctorates or masters degrees, and genuine computer geeks (the "I create programs" guys, not the "I hang out on reddit and 4chan" guys), have a tendency to get my attention.  I often find them interesting to talk to.
- Please be a kind person.  Although I certainly allow for sarcasm and a bit of wit. Come to think of it, wit is pretty high up there, too.
- Kids are fine, but please don't expect me to meet them early on.  Let's make sure we really like each other before we involve little people's feelings, too.
- The conversation should work between us.  Not right away, because we're allowed to get nervous, or simply get our feelers out for what works, but if we can't have a steady conversation 3 months from now, what makes us think it's going to work 10 years from now.  That said, I understand things may change.  If that's the case, try then, not now.

I have a couple of small possibilities on the horizon, and there seems to be something that doesn't work
about each of them.  This is, of course, simply my take on the situation and how I feel moving forward.  They could find me repulsive, and these may not even be options really, but I can't give their side of the store.  Besides, it's my fucking blog, not theirs.

The first of these is the new hire at work.  He's a nice man, in his 30s, with two little girls.  Physically, he's quite attractive, actually.  Broad shoulders, nice bum.  I've had four other members of staff (including someone close to him, and my boss for chrissakes!), mention to me that he is single.  Alright guys, stop pushing.  I've chatted with him a couple of times, and I've gotta say, it's felt like a bit of a chore.  Also, one of the friends who had originally suggested to me that I get to know this guy seems to have changed her tune.  Well, not 'seems', she's pulled a complete 180 on me.

"I think he's too boring for you."

Originally, this hurt my feelings.  He's too boring for me?  I'm not allowed to want someone who's reliable, quiet and...standard?  I don't deserve someone who's the marrying kind?  On the other hand, I do find him a bit boring.   He'd better get interesting and a little less shy.  Frankly, at the moment, he's not even cracking my friendship shell, and almost everyone gets into that club.

Another opportunity that's presented itself is from one of the neighbours.  I have a very sweet, often annoying* young couple who lives in the same building as I do, and the young lady in this coupling has taken it upon herself to set me up with one of her closest friends.  I met him on Saturday.  I find him quite attractive, and he's quite the nice person.  I had a horrible stress headache when I first met him, but shortly after, felt at ease and comfortable.  The conversation is fine (so far), and we were alright teamed up for a game of Cranium.  I'm finding him a fair bit attractive.

Too bad he's just a puppy.

Actually, the other little snag is that he's just moved back from the prairies and doesn't seem to be employed yet.  I'm not interested in being anyone's sugar mama, I'm just trying to keep myself afloat at the moment.

So, the search continues.

Ah, also, Merry Christmas everyone.

*in their defense, if someone lives close to me, I'm probably going to label them as annoying. I have Ohnonotyouagain Syndrome, self-diagnosed.

I sure did bet a lot on on that horse...

As you may recall from last night's post, I was putting a lot of worry and stock into a coffee date I was getting ready for.  We met around 7:30ish, and actually chatted a fair bit.  However, I felt that he was a bit loud and opinionated for my tastes (I should be the loud an opinionated one in the relationship), and - although we agreed on a lot of things - I really felt bored with some of the conversation fairly early on.   I was originally worried that I would be attracted to his personality and then have trouble with the physical attraction.  In actual fact, the physicality wasn't that bad (he was nothing I would complain about), but I just wasn't feeling.

I went for a walk this evening.   I think it was about an hour long or so.  I really like my neighbourhood.  I need to track where I've been and explore my whole neighbourhood before the snow really starts to fly.  I think "map my walk" would help with that?  Must investigate.

Also, although I've had a less than stellar date last night, and a not so exciting day today (I could use the phrase "tore me a new one" here), it's been a nice night.  I put my tree up a few nights ago, I've got a gin and tonic, and I've found a Rory Stewart documentary on Afghanistan.  So, I'm about as happy as I can get at the moment.  Happier if Rory Stewart was here in person on my couch, but I won't be too picky.

First date jitters

I can barely keep still; I'm meeting someone for coffee this evening.  I can't believe the assortment of emotions I'm experiencing on this one.  Normally, I just have those butterfly sort of feelings, friendly butterflies that remind me to suck in my gut.

Despite my melancholy of the last year or so of worrying about the possibility of never finding that one person I can use as an alibi when I don't want to do something ("Oh, I'll have to see.  I think Mike's made plans for us with some of his friends."  I'm convinced this sentence is couple-speak for pajamas, fritos, and playing on their electronic devices while watching Bones or Castle, or whatever the fuck couples watch.), that one co-conspirator  I can rely on when everyone else is sick of my childish shit (I've discovered that my life can be boiled down to a series of inside jokes).  Despite all that doubt and worry about being alone for the rest of eternity, I'm about to go on a date, and I'm almost worried that this is it for me. 

On paper and in text messages, this guy is phenomenal.  He works in a clerky-type job, similar to me, but he's also a musician and composer.  And not like those potheads I met awhile back, he's got two separate music programs under his belt to back him up on this.  One of our first conversations was about this piece of music:

He's also a huge fan of Rush, and we talked about the possibility of watching some Mystery Science Theatre 3000 one night (I was going to insert one of those videos, but thought I'd already put you through enough).

Basically, we get along just fine, and I have a feeling we'll have no problem with conversation tonight.  I'm also quite nervous, because - as with most of the men I've met through dating sites - I have no idea if I'm going to find him attractive.  This issue has always existed, and if I've only learned one thing from online dating, it's that people generally look 10 times better in person than they do in any picture they've posted.  He's kind of a heavier guy, and I'm so worried that I'll experience a real pot calling the kettle black moment if I don't find him attractive.  So, I'm trying not to think about it.  However, I'm quite worried that this guy will be fantastic otherwise; that he'll tick off all the boxes except for that last one.  He's shown more promise than anyone from the last two years.  We have a lot in common, and he seems to be a genuinely kind person.  I'm also concerned about my negative nature and how that's going to match up with his outlook.  Am I going to come away from this conversation feeling like a shittier person?

I've also got some negative feelings about where we're going.  It's the same Starbucks I met the juggler in several years ago.  I would have deflected it, but I had no good reason to not agree to his suggestion.  In my little self-centered brain, I imagine one of the baristas recognizing me from oh so long ago. "Hey, that lonely face girl is back.  She should have done something about her hair before meeting a boy.  For shame."  My rational self assumes their turnover rate will allow for general anonymity, though.

My, that's a lot of hostile thoughts for what's supposed to be a fun moment in time.  I guess it's best I put it in here, and not on the table during coffee.  What the fuck is wrong with me?

Ramping up

My mood was a bit low last week.  This week, I've been anxious and excitable*.  There's a shithead at work who likes to "stir the pot" and yesterday I had enough.  He commented that my desk was the messiest and blah blah blah.  I told him that if my boss had a problem with my desk, she could tell me herself.  It's the smallest thing, I know, but I work in a high traffic area, and the fucker can't walk by without making a comment.  And he walks by a lot.

Things have gotten busy for me at work again.  I kind of wish the busy-ness would hold off until after I move, but I can't control that.  No sense worrying about it.  I worked well passed my regular time yesterday. My boss walked by and stopped dead in her tracks:

Her: What are you still doing here?
Me: Working?
Her: You're still working and my other CAs are complaining they have nothing to do?
Me:...wut?

One of the other two girls is a bit clueless at her job.  Some of this sits on my shoulders; I trained both of them.  I told my boss that I was concerned that the reason they're not busy is because I must have missed a step, not told them enough.  They were filling jars with rocks, but didn't realize the jars will fit pebbles and sand as well.   My boss reassured me that none of this was my fault; I had only worked there for 6 months myself, and then was expected to turnaround and train two new people.  I don't know.  I was hoping to be impressive - someone that everyone in the office would respect.  I'm feeling a little fucked right now.  I'm almost positive that the reason one of the girls isn't getting work is because she's clueless, and her people can't trust her to do things properly.  I'm also having a hard time dealing with them sometimes.  They'll approach me to ask a question that is answered quite explicitly in the handbook.  The handbook I worked very hard on.  Nice to know that it's being read and referred to.

On top of this is my upcoming move.  The movers are booked for next Friday.  I look around my place and I'm just filled with dread and panic.  There is still so much to do around here.  The parking situation at my old place is crap; I can't get anywhere near the door for a regular parking spot.  I have to pull around, turn on the four-way flashers, and do the mad dash to fill it with what I can.  I had been moving stuff over to the other place, but I think that needs to stop.  I need to focus on packing everything left.  Oh me, oh my.

A few months back, I had signed up for match.com, thinking that if I paid for it, maybe the quality (desperation) of people would be a little higher than on the other sites I was on.  I've been in touch with one guy so far.  He likes movies a lot.  On Saturday, my sister-in-law and I had a couple of drinks and were playing around on the site, emailed that one guy, marked some guys as likes or dislikes.  I noticed the past few days that the matches the site is sending me seem better, more appropriate.  So that's good.  Who knows where this will lead? 




*I don't necessarily think this is evidence of any disorder, just reacting to the events and stress around me.

Met the new neighbours the other day.

Well, technically, I'm the new neighbour.  On Saturday, I had gone out to the new place with a carload of things, and a young lady introduced herself to me.  She was super friendly and offered to carry some things up, and then have me over for tea.  I was quite impressed with both her and her boyfriend.  They seem really nice.

I'm afraid I came across as dull during the conversation.  Lately, both work and the move have been consuming a fair amount of my time.  This young couple couldn't relate to my desk job, and I couldn't relate to... their warmth?  I'm not certain, but I do know that at some point in the conversation, the boyfriend mentioned that he had given a homeless guy a number of phone numbers that could help him out.  Not to mention, of course, that they were perfectly natural in inviting me into their home and making me a cup of tea, whereas I would not have been as cozy.  I came away from the entire meeting feeling both inspired and somewhat shameful. 

At any rate, I'm getting more and more excited about the new place every day.  For a moment, just before I put my key in the door, I imagined that everything was already moved in, and I was about to walk into my living room.  It's going to be really nice when it's all finished.