Despite my melancholy of the last year or so of worrying about the possibility of never finding that one person I can use as an alibi when I don't want to do something ("Oh, I'll have to see. I think Mike's made plans for us with some of his friends." I'm convinced this sentence is couple-speak for pajamas, fritos, and playing on their electronic devices while watching Bones or Castle, or whatever the fuck couples watch.), that one co-conspirator I can rely on when everyone else is sick of my childish shit (I've discovered that my life can be boiled down to a series of inside jokes). Despite all that doubt and worry about being alone for the rest of eternity, I'm about to go on a date, and I'm almost worried that this is it for me.
On paper and in text messages, this guy is phenomenal. He works in a clerky-type job, similar to me, but he's also a musician and composer. And not like those potheads I met awhile back, he's got two separate music programs under his belt to back him up on this. One of our first conversations was about this piece of music:
He's also a huge fan of Rush, and we talked about the possibility of watching some Mystery Science Theatre 3000 one night (I was going to insert one of those videos, but thought I'd already put you through enough).
Basically, we get along just fine, and I have a feeling we'll have no problem with conversation tonight. I'm also quite nervous, because - as with most of the men I've met through dating sites - I have no idea if I'm going to find him attractive. This issue has always existed, and if I've only learned one thing from online dating, it's that people generally look 10 times better in person than they do in any picture they've posted. He's kind of a heavier guy, and I'm so worried that I'll experience a real pot calling the kettle black moment if I don't find him attractive. So, I'm trying not to think about it. However, I'm quite worried that this guy will be fantastic otherwise; that he'll tick off all the boxes except for that last one. He's shown more promise than anyone from the last two years. We have a lot in common, and he seems to be a genuinely kind person. I'm also concerned about my negative nature and how that's going to match up with his outlook. Am I going to come away from this conversation feeling like a shittier person?
I've also got some negative feelings about where we're going. It's the same Starbucks I met the juggler in several years ago. I would have deflected it, but I had no good reason to not agree to his suggestion. In my little self-centered brain, I imagine one of the baristas recognizing me from oh so long ago. "Hey, that lonely face girl is back. She should have done something about her hair before meeting a boy. For shame." My rational self assumes their turnover rate will allow for general anonymity, though.
My, that's a lot of hostile thoughts for what's supposed to be a fun moment in time. I guess it's best I put it in here, and not on the table during coffee. What the fuck is wrong with me?